Permission Is an Inside Job

There are a surprising number of people sitting on the imaginary committee that runs our lives.

Former bosses.

Parents.

Colleagues.

Friends.

People on the internet we've never met.

People we haven't spoken to in years.

And, occasionally, a version of ourselves who made a decision ten years ago and apparently still gets a vote.

We consult this committee constantly.

Am I ready?

Am I qualified enough?

What will they think?

Who am I to do this?

Shouldn't I just be grateful for what I already have?

What if I disappoint someone?

And then we wait.

For reassurance.

For validation.

For someone to look at us and say:

Yes. You may proceed.

There's just one problem.

Nobody else knows they're supposed to give us permission.

Waiting Can Look Very Responsible

This is where it gets tricky.

Waiting for permission doesn't usually look like fear.

It can look incredibly sensible.

We call it preparation.

Research.

Timing.

Being realistic.

Getting one more credential.

Waiting until things settle down.

Making sure everyone is comfortable.

And sometimes those things are absolutely necessary.

There are decisions that require thought, consultation and consideration of the impact they'll have on other people.

But sometimes?

We're ready.

We just haven't authorized ourselves to move.

And there's a difference.

Permission Isn't Recklessness

I want to be careful here.

Self-permission isn't:

I can do whatever I want and nobody else gets a say.

That's not freedom.

That's just entitlement wearing an inspirational T-shirt.

We live in relationship with other people.

Our choices have consequences.

Our decisions affect families, teams, organizations and communities.

Being a Feisty Human doesn't exempt us from responsibility for our impact.

Quite the opposite.

Self-permission means being able to say:

I can make choices about my own life without requiring everyone else to understand or approve of them — and I am willing to take responsibility for what those choices create.

That's a much harder kind of freedom.

Because now there's nobody else to blame.

The Permission We Keep Outsourcing

How often have you known what you wanted but waited for someone else to make it acceptable?

Permission to say no.

Permission to leave.

Permission to stay.

Permission to change direction.

Permission to want more.

Permission to want less.

Permission to be ambitious.

Permission to rest.

Permission to outgrow something that once mattered enormously to you.

Permission to become someone the people around you haven't met yet.

That last one can be particularly uncomfortable.

Because sometimes our growth disrupts other people's understanding of who we are.

They knew the agreeable version.

The dependable version.

The one who always said yes.

The one who didn't make waves.

The one who could handle everything.

The one who wanted what they wanted.

And when we change, the people around us have to adjust too.

Not everyone will enjoy that adjustment.

Disappointment Isn't Always a Stop Sign

This may be one of the hardest things I've had to learn:

Someone else's disappointment does not automatically mean I've made the wrong decision.

Sometimes disappointment is information.

Sometimes it means we've caused harm and need to listen.

Sometimes it means we haven't communicated well.

Sometimes it deserves our attention.

And sometimes...

someone is disappointed because we stopped being who they preferred us to be.

Those are not the same thing.

Learning to tell the difference is part of the work.

So, Whose Permission Are You Waiting For?

Think about something you've been circling.

Something you keep telling yourself you're not quite ready for.

Don't quit your job today.

Don't blow up your life.

Don't send the email just because Amber from The Feisty Human told you permission comes from within.

That's not the assignment.

The assignment is simply to notice.

Finish this sentence:

I would give myself permission to __________ if I knew nobody would be disappointed.

And then sit with your answer.

You don't have to act on it.

You don't even have to like it.

Just notice what appears.

Because sometimes clarity doesn't arrive when someone finally tells us what to do.

Sometimes it arrives when we realize we've been waiting for a yes...

from someone who never knew they were supposed to give it.

Permission is an inside job.

Forward, with purpose,

Amber

Download Chapter Eleven of The Feisty Human and continue the conversation.

Enjoyed this essay? Connect with me on LinkedIn or join the email list below to receive every new edition.